so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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