i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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