3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
