how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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