i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
