Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
