quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
