So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
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