I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
