i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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