the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
