My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
