Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
