I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I think my moral compass just broke
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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