I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
