Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Randomize
