i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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