I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
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I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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