Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
