I wanna bring you to show and tell
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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