There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
a search helicopter?!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
