Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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