1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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