He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
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My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
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I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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