Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
