I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
