Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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