Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
