Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
So I just went to clothing optional bar
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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