dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Randomize
