i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped