I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
