ya dads aren't the best wingmen
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
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