It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
