I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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