Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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