I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
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He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
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Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon