I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
