If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
