I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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