I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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