the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
