i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
