we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
