we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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