God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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