There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
