Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
