Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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