Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
he fucked my hip out of place.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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