this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Randomize
