Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Randomize
