just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
