I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Come see our sink grown plant.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
