I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
