Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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